I Just Needed To Be Horizontal
Something happened this weekend that completely took me out.
I didn’t really see it coming (except now, looking back, I kinda did, and my week last week is now making more sense). By Friday night, I was feeling extremely beat.
Saturday I woke up and went to Pilates (my new obsession—we will see how long this lasts, ha! But I really only went because it was too late to cancel). I came home right after and immediately had to cocoon. Like, I couldn’t even really answer texts or emails. I didn’t even want to watch a movie or read or look at my phone. I went straight to bed and under my covers. I wasn’t sick. I wasn’t even sleeping. I just literally had to tune out all the noise.
My kids were at their dad’s, so I had a bit of a reprieve. I remember when my kids were young, I had a friend who took a weekly “bed day.” I think it was Tuesday. Every Tuesday, after she dropped the kids at school and her house was quiet, she curled back into bed until it was time to pick them up again. This friend was a working mom too. She worked her own schedule, and she worked her bed days into that schedule.
This weekend, I felt like I needed a bed weekend. I can’t even explain why or what exactly happened, but I was just kaput. So I gave myself a break. I didn’t try to write like I thought I would. I didn’t try to catch up on laundry or dishes like I needed to. I didn’t clean out my closet like I had wanted to. I didn’t catch up on phone calls. I put myself to bed.
I did let myself alternate environments—I moved to the backyard lounger when I felt called to the sun—but mostly, I stayed in my gorgeous pink-lit room under a blanket. Nothing was wrong. Nothing was the matter. I just needed to be horizontal. I needed deep rest.
I’m still not quite sure what to make of it, but then again, look at this conditioning. Why do I have to make something of it or have a reason to rest on the weekends, especially when I am holding all that I am holding on a regular basis? I don’t have to justify my rest. I know better!
And omgeeee, I am so glad I did that because ya know what?
Sunday, while still resting, the phone calls came in.
First child, around noon: “Mom, can I come home? I’m stressed.”
Second child, after 6pm: “Mom, did you make food? I’m coming home.”
(I’m sure you can guess which was my daughter and which was my son.)
And there it was.
By Sunday night, both of my kids were home. One needed somewhere to land. The other apparently just needed dinner. 😂
And I had it to give them.
Maybe that’s what I was doing all weekend. Maybe my body knew before my brain did that I needed to shut everything down for a minute. Or maybe that’s me trying to make meaning out of something that doesn’t actually need meaning.
Maybe I was just tired.
And maybe tired is enough of a reason to rest.
I think that’s the part I’m still unlearning.
I don’t need to be sick. I don’t need to be falling apart. I don’t need to have finished the laundry or answered the emails or checked enough things off the list to earn an afternoon under the covers.
Sometimes I can just put myself to bed.
And funny enough, when everyone came home needing Mom, I was actually there. Not just physically. I had something left to give.
P.S. I’m still tired as I write this on Monday, so there’s no video message today. I’m too tired. 😂 So instead, I’ll leave you with this: if you’re tired too, maybe you don’t need to figure out why or justify it or wait until you’ve gotten everything done. Maybe you just need to go horizontal.
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