Befriend Your Fear, Befriend Your Death
We must befriend that which we fear.
I have learned, not just through my death doula and midwife journey but also in life in general, that we must befriend that which we fear. I don’t mean we have to conquer our fears or anything of that nature—this is not a forceful process. It’s a gentle opening of the mind. And what I mean is exactly what I wrote: Befriend. All we have to do is acknowledge, accept, and befriend that which scares us, and the fear will significantly subside. Try it before you say you don’t believe me.
I had to do this for the first time about 16 years ago when I was pregnant with my first child. I wrote my birth plan, hired my birth doula, and had plans to give birth with midwives. I was set and feeling mostly positive that this was the way it was going to go. In one of my conversations with my amazing birth doula and friend, Ana Paula Markel (BiniBirth), she mentioned that I needed to get comfortable with the idea of having a c-section. She knew this was my biggest fear.
To anyone striving for a natural birth with a midwife, this is a big fear. I kind of resisted what she was saying at first, but then I slowly began to understand. I was holding on so tightly to this “plan” — this plan that I had created for what I wanted my dream birth to look like. I was not willing to settle for anything different.
Now, in many other life circumstances, this determination can work. But for a woman giving birth, we need to surrender all of our fears. We can’t have fear in the birthing room with us or we will get scared and get in the way of what our bodies know innately how to do.
This is very similar to the dying process.
Our bodies know innately what to do and when to do it. But it’s such an unknown event to us humans. To the average person, unless you're watching near-death experiences or are into this sort of thing, the experience of dying is a world of unknowns. And the unknown can be scary.
So, this is what I’m encouraging you to befriend: Befriend your death. I want you to start gently. You don’t have to be fast friends—take it slow. There are so many layers to end-of-life, death, and dying. I am here to help you take it slow, especially if this is your first real time considering your own mortality and what that might look like.
Today, we begin with a very gentle exercise to think about (and possibly journal about, if you're up for it) what your ideal end of life might look like. Not only is this important for you to know, but it is also equally important for your loved ones to know. Your loved ones want to support you and uphold your wishes. But if you don’t know, then they don’t know. And they won’t know if you don’t talk to them about it.
So, if this blog has touched your heart or even just piqued your curiosity, I invite you to take some time for yourself today and watch my video below. I will sit with you in loving compassion during this video while you follow along with a few gentle journal prompts to get you thinking about what you might want for your end-of-life journey.
The questions are meant to get you started thinking; they are not complicated. But I do not take lightly how difficult it can be for some to think about their own death. It can bring up many feelings, so be gentle with yourself and proud of yourself for taking the time to read this blog. I consider it a huge opening—and an honor—the beginning of a beautiful journey. I am here with you every step of the way.
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