Choosing Your Soul Friend
Choosing Your Anam Cara
It’s not easy for most people to think about death—whether their own or a loved one’s. Either can feel debilitating and too scary to face. Most people avoid the conversation at all costs and are determined not to go there. One of the reasons I wanted to become an end-of-life doula and death midwife was to make these conversations more mainstream and comfortable for my clients. Death is a major life event that each of us will face, making it a conversation we shouldn't avoid.
Now, I’m not saying you have to be like me and attend Death Cafes or Death Dinners—places where people gather to have open, healthy conversations about death (yes, I do this and truly enjoy it, as the conversations are so rich!). What I am offering here is an invitation to start the conversation, a tiny opening. If you’ve read this far, chances are you’re being nudged to think about this—or at least becoming more open to the idea. I write this with compassion because I know it can be a tricky space to navigate for many.
An Invitation to Think About Your Anam Cara
Before I dive into the details of end-of-life planning, I want to ask you to think about who might be your "Anam Cara." This is similar to designating someone with power of attorney, but Anam Cara goes even deeper. Anam Cara is an Irish term that means "soul friend." Your Anam Cara could be your life partner, if you have one, but it doesn’t have to be. It might be a relative or a best friend—someone with whom you have a mutually trusting relationship and someone you feel comfortable sharing deep, meaningful life decisions with.
Your Anam Cara is someone who believes in you, cherishes you, and wants the best for you in all scenarios. This person is not judgmental and is never trying to change you or your beliefs. You likely share similar life philosophies and can trust them without question. When reading this, the person might come to mind right away. If not, that’s okay too—it’s important to take your time thinking about who this person is. It may not even be a relative.
This person is likely the one you’ll want by your side as you approach the end of life. They get you, help advocate for you, and will honor your wishes. Importantly, they aren’t afraid of this role—they feel honored by it. They will also be able to set aside their own beliefs (if they differ from yours) in order to honor your wishes. The role of Anam Cara—the Soul Friend—is deeply meaningful and special, so take it seriously when you consider who might fulfill it.
Once you have this person in mind, have a conversation with them. Ask them to be your Anam Cara, just as you might ask someone to be your maid of honor or your child’s godparent. It's interesting how thoughtful we are when it comes to those major life events, but not for something as significant as our death.
A Death-Phobic Culture
We live in a death-phobic culture, there’s no denying it. But here is your invitation: Don’t let fear control this process. Push past your comfort zone and begin thinking about the supportive person you’d like near you at the end of life. Whose face would bring warmth and comfort when you’re scared and uncertain? Once you’ve thought about it, talk to them about it.
This is the very first baby step I ask my clients to take. You don’t have to get into the details of what your ideal end-of-life situation might look like yet (that’s our next blog/step). For today, this is your gentle invitation to take a small but important life step—to set yourself up for compassion and support. No one else can do this for you; it’s something you must think about yourself.
If this has stirred something inside you, I invite you to watch my video for additional support or even reach out to me directly. It’s a tender topic, one I am deeply passionate and compassionate about as a death doula.
If this has stirred something inside you, I invite you to watch my video "How to Have Difficult Conversations About Death | A Gentle Guide to End-of-Life Planning" for additional support or even reach out to me directly.
It’s a tender topic, one I am deeply passionate and compassionate about as a death doula.
👉 Join my newsletter for free breathwork session & to receive weekly plus weekly practices, insights, and inspiration to help you slow down, tune in, and reconnect.
👉 Book a free call to explore how somatic support can help you feel more grounded, clear, and connected—no pressure, just a nourishing conversation to meet you where you are.