How Good It Is: Lessons from Memory Care
Nancy at the Memory Care Facility
I used to visit an elderly man at a memory care facility, and I loved going there for many reasons. I find these types of visits incredibly fulfilling. I’ve always found spending time with the elderly to be rich and rewarding; I always seem to leave with a valuable life lesson. I also enjoy hearing their stories, even if they’re the same ones over and over, as is often the case in a memory care facility. These settings can be especially rich and interesting. I know not everyone may have the same perspective as I do when visiting an assisted living center, but I find so many gifts when working with aging people or those in the end-of-life stages.
The main purpose of my visit was to spend time with an elderly gentleman, a retired neurologist diagnosed with early-onset dementia and Parkinson’s disease, who had recently moved in. But I also enjoyed saying hello to the other residents. There were about 12 residents in that part of the facility. I often unintentionally showed up around mealtime, so most of the residents were gathered in the dining room, either sitting down to eat or finishing up their meal before heading off to the morning or afternoon activities, which often included chair exercises, karaoke, or a game of some sort. They had a structured routine that they could count on. I especially loved it when my visit coincided with karaoke time. It was more of a group sing-along, with song lyrics displayed on the TV for everyone to follow. One woman, in particular, had a beautiful voice, and I would always compliment her. She’d tell me how she used to sing for the LA Master Chorale years ago. She was very proud of this, as she should be! She would often ask me if I knew certain people (whom I never did).
I was often the only visitor during that time, so I became quite popular. The residents seemed curious about the new face. Even though their brains sometimes couldn’t form words to ask me specific questions, I would often receive smiles or random stories. My visits were a lovely combination of one-on-one time with the retired neurologist, as well as spontaneous chats and connections with other residents.
One of my favorite residents was a woman named Nancy.
She looked relatively young, perhaps in her late 50s or early 60s. She was fun, spunky, and had the biggest, brightest smile. Every time I came in to visit the neurologist, Nancy would greet me as if she were pleasantly surprised to see me, rushing over to give me a huge hug. I’ll never know for sure, but I’m pretty sure she believed she knew me—and I was happy to go along with that. Or perhaps I was just a comforting face in that moment. With dementia and Alzheimer’s, we can never know exactly what the person is thinking.
After the hug, she would say, “Hi, how ARE you, honey?” as if we’d known each other for years and she’d missed me. I’d usually reply with something like, “I’m great! How are you feeling?” Her response was always the same: “I’m GOOD, SO GOOD,” and she’d say it emphatically. She meant it with all her heart. She was GOOD, SO GOOD.
I would reply, “Oh, that’s so good! I’m SO glad to hear that.” And then she’d say, “It’s SO good, isn’t it? SO GOOD!” I’d respond, “It IS. It is SO GOOD.” And then we’d just go back and forth, exchanging this wordless conversation about how “good it is.” We didn’t need to say anything more, nor did we. I would simply settle in and relish in “how good it is” with her.
I think about Nancy often.
From an outsider's perspective, we might feel sorry for someone like her, pity her a bit, and hope that we never end up in that situation. But after meeting her, I actually feel the opposite. I hope that, as I age—perhaps even with dementia—I can be as blissfully reflective as she was about how good life is. And hopefully, I too will have a visitor who can just show up and meet me exactly where I am at, without judgment or expectation.
But in the meantime, I will keep living my life, meeting others exactly where they are, and practicing gratitude for the moments when things are good—so good.
Nancy’s joyful presence reminded me of the power of simply being with someone—meeting them exactly where they are, without judgment or expectation. It’s a lesson I carry with me, and one we can all practice in our daily interactions.
If you’d like to explore this idea further, I invite you to watch my latest video, where I guide you through a simple Opening Heart Meditation—a practice that helps us cultivate presence, compassion, and deep connection with others.
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