From Shattered to Open: How Divorce Transformed Me
When I say divorce is excruciating, that is not an understatement.
It is painful on so many levels. So. Many. Levels. And like so many other painful experiences and losses, unless you’ve been through it, you really have no idea what it feels like.
Once I got through all the nitty-gritty details of divorce—separating homes, finances, negotiations, custody logistics, and more negotiations—I let myself grieve.
Throughout the whole process, I did allow myself some grieving, but I also had to stay strong for certain parts of it, especially during the actual divorce. My divorce was difficult and contentious. I had to stay strong to show up to critical negotiations, and I also had to be strong for my kids because their world was crumbling too.
Once I got through that first practical phase of divorce, my grief work truly began.
My motivation was simple: I didn’t want this experience to stunt my growth or hold me back. I didn’t want to become a resentful person for the rest of my life. I wanted to come out on the other side of this a healthier, happier, more abundant person. I wanted my kids to see a fulfilled, joyful mom—the true version of myself that I knew was still there.
I know it sounds like a very “forceful” way of grieving and healing, but it wasn’t that. I was awake and aware enough to know that in order to process my grief, I needed to give myself the time, space, and resources to do so.
For me, that looked like: when my kids were with their dad, I wasn’t making plans or going out—I was spending time with myself and resting. Rest was a huge part of my healing. It wasn’t depression or wallowing; it was simply allowing myself to rest. Unfortunately, our culture doesn’t value rest, but grief and loss are exhausting. If tears or feelings came up, I allowed them. To the outside world, I might’ve seemed like I was falling apart—and maybe I was—but in a good way. I was allowing my heart to fully break. It was heartbreaking. It still is. But it couldn’t have been any other way. This was the only way to heal, to open my heart further.
What my grieving looked like also included relying heavily on my support team. I had to let go of a lot of friendships—some that no longer served me, others that I just couldn’t maintain anymore. People didn’t like it, but I had to choose myself and my kids 100% of the time. My circle became smaller, but deeper and more intimate. It also meant hiring more help when I needed it. I was a single mom now, and I don’t live near family. I needed support around the house and with certain tasks so I could use my extra energy for my kids or just for myself. That was new for me. I was used to doing everything on my own, over-functioning constantly.
Divorce is like a dirty word.
No one wants it. Of course, I never wanted it or expected my life to go this way either. No one really wants to talk about it—it’s too scary, too real. Our divorce rate is high, and people sometimes think it’s contagious. I began to notice people treating me differently, not fitting in the places I used to. But honestly, I didn’t mind. I was choosing to live a more authentic life than I ever had before. Once I chose to move forward in this way, there was no turning back. I was on a new trajectory—one of abundance and joy, with nothing to do with material objects or another person.
Divorce shattered my heart, but in the process, it cracked me open in ways I never could’ve imagined. And honestly? I wouldn’t trade that growth for anything.
If you have gone through this or are going through something similar, I encourage you to watch my video Find Your Inner Calm: A Simple Somatic Practice for Overwhelming Emotions.
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