Preparing for the Inevitable: Why We Need to Talk About Death Now

I TOTALLY understand that death is hard to talk about.

I get that it’s painful to think about losing our loved ones or even contemplate that we all won’t be here in this form forever. I hear you! But people, this is something that is going to happen to every single one of us!!! So let’s talk about it!! Let’s just begin to get even a teeny bit comfortable with the uncomfortable. We are all going to die. And in reality, we have no idea when or how. But in the meantime, we can talk about certain things we might have agency over. And if that proves not to be too daunting, we can daydream about what our end-of-life wishes might be.

This is a part of being a death doula that I really enjoy…

…getting people curious about their end-of-life wishes. And further, having these conversations with their loved ones so everyone is on the same page. And let’s do this before a crisis, and while we are young and healthy. Do you want a DNR (do not resuscitate) in place should anything happen to you? Or do you want any and all forms of therapies and life support to be administered? And if so, how long are you OK being on life support? Days? Weeks? Months?

I know that when I am at the end of life or faced with an emergency situation, I want the people caring for me to know what I want and not to have to guess at anything—so that I can have the best death experience possible, and also for others to be able to focus on their own process of letting go, instead of the stress of making medical decisions for me.

It’s interesting to think of life support in terms of a young person, where it might be a bridge to get you back to where you were, or for an elderly person on life support, which might just be prolonging their inevitable death. I am not trying to give answers or sway opinions; I am just suggesting that we start having these important conversations with loved ones and that we write it all down. This is where having advanced health care directives completed comes in.

And ALSO - did you know that there is a dementia directive?! According to the NIH, 1 in 7 Americans age 71 and older has some type of dementia. This directive gives people suffering from dementia choices during their end of life. The trick is - you have to fill it out BEFORE you have dementia.

I am posting the links to the CA Advanced Health Care Directive and the Dementia Directive here because I am passionate about educating people on their choices. This can all feel super overwhelming. But clarity can bring peace of mind so that you can live your life fully. If you want more support, book a session with me, and I will gently walk you or your loved one through this process. A mindful and compassionate death doula can help this process be quicker and feel less daunting.

In the meantime, let me ask you this: how do you want to live?