I explain to them how ever since Bali, and learning the meditation practice they taught us, I’ve actually been feeling a little stuck and confused in my practice. What was it again? Did he say this mudra? Hands go this way while I breathe into my belly? At which point exactly do I close my eyes? Do I have to say the exact chant as him because that was Sanskrit and I still don’t have it memorized?

 This seemingly innocent experience from years ago is still holding my 50 year old self hostage. Rearing its head and reminding me that I am not capable. Maybe somehow this protects me from something and perhaps this coping strategy served me for some time, because most strategies do serve us somehow, even when not in the best ways, but I was ready to absolve this. I was ready to let my teen self off the hook. She didn't need to hold this and protect me anymore. My adult self has got her, and this. My adult self has the capacity to hold this for her, she doesn't need to.