Fkn Aptitude Tests
I had a flashback recently of a test I was forced to take sometime around my senior year in high school.
My mom meant well so no shade on her for taking me. She really and truly was trying to help me figure out what to do with my life. A Beautiful intention. But that test? That test kind of fk'd me up. I remember to this day what I felt like leaving that test room. I can even still picture the desk I took the test on and what the room looked like. I remember how I felt diminished leaving that test. All I heard from the results was that I had no aptitude for anything. I heard that I was doomed because I had no natural talents. I heard that I was probably going to amount to nothing. And you know the crazy thing? My mom heard the exact opposite. She heard all the potential opportunities I had in front of me. She heard all of the areas where my natural talent lies.
I've been thinking of this a lot lately because it still shows up in my life as an adult in certain ways. People can give me all sorts of positive feedback but somehow I only hear (or make up in my head) the ways in which I could have done better. I think this is called perfectionism. I thought I had squashed this already, I have worked on it before many times. But lately as I prepare to dive deeper into my gifts, both spiritually and professionally, I am meeting this perfectionism again. Makes complete sense actually. I am expanding mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and my ego wants to keep me small. And it seems as though one of my stuck areas is actually related to that teen who feels like she failed a test that isn't even failable.
So what do I do with this awareness you ask?
Naturally, I reach out to fellow brainspotters and ask if anyone wants to work on me. I want to brainspot the shit out of this because it no longer serves me. This seemingly innocent experience from years ago is still holding my 50 year old self hostage. Rearing its head and reminding me that I am not capable. Maybe somehow this protects me from something and perhaps this coping strategy served me for some time, because most strategies do serve us somehow, even when not in the best ways, but I was ready to absolve this. I was ready to let my teen self off the hook. She didn't need to hold this and protect me anymore. My adult self has got her, and this. My adult self has the capacity to hold this for her, she doesn't need to.
So with the gracious help of a fellow practitioner, I found a spot that held the feeling of not good enoughness. I focused on that spot and let all the feelings associated to that experience come up. And boy did I process! I remembered the room, the desk, the feelings that overcame me before, during and after the test. I remembered the drive there.
And apparently my teenage self had a lot to say about this experience. I gave her the floor.
She let it rip.
The frustration and anger she (I) had been holding for decades. The sadness about this experience.
And when she was done, I reparented her. I held her. I acknowledged her. I reminded her that I am the grown up now and I will never abandon her again. I told her she is good enough and perfect just the way she is.
I did all of this while focusing on the brainspot and while the practitioner held space and stayed attuned to me. I was supported and seen. Both my teenage self and my adult self were witnessed and held. We all moved through this together, until the activation started to subside.
This is parts work, inner child work, and brainspotting. It cuts through all the chatter that our brain wants to create to distract us from true healing and release.
I don't know yet if this particular block has been completely resolved. I have a feeling that there might be a little more work to do, and that's ok. I take it in bite size pieces.
And what a coincidence that this is all coming up for me at a time when I am parenting my own teens as well. Life has a funny way of mirroring for us what needs to be healed. And then it's up to us to say yes to the challenge. To say yes to a different way of doing things.
If this resonated, I actually recorded a short video this week that goes even deeper into this exact experience-— what it felt like to sit with my teenage self and finally let her rest.
👉 Want more reflections like this? Make sure to subscribe to my newsletter for free breathwork session & to receive weekly plus weekly practices, insights, and inspiration to help you slow down, tune in, and reconnect.
👉 Curious about working together? Book a free call to explore how somatic support can help you feel more grounded, clear, and connected—no pressure, just a nourishing conversation to meet you where you are.