I want to write about a dilemma I'm having.
Because that's what I seem to do. Process my things through my writing, share them with whomever is reading, and see what evolves from there. I like to share the messy process. On paper, for myself, first and foremost. So that's what I'm doing today.
I just finished up a Women's Circle (so rewarding and honoring for me to facilitate and witness such badass women!), got cozy with my laptop on a Wednesday midday in LA, where rain is forecast, so let's see if it actually happens. Please let it rain. It never actually does the way the weatherman says. But then again, I'm from Seattle, so LA rain usually just makes me laugh. I try to get my face in it, though.
My pup Hazel just joined me. She knows how this goes. She's taken the liberty of positioning herself with her back touching my leg because she knows I'm going to be sitting here for a bit as I contemplate (write) my life school lessons. So if you're here and reading, get cozy with me and lean in, because I would truly love your feedback.
I have a lot of amazing projects going on. Creativity is coming through me in a different way these days, in a very exciting way. I'm creating two different products right now, in two different marketplaces, with two different suppliers. It's kind of wild. Both feel so divinely led and bring me so much joy when I'm working on them. Oddly enough, one feels like "my daughter" and one feels like "my son." Maybe I'll explain more in another article about what exactly that means to me.
And then I have what I keep calling "The Mike Project."
I say this in quotes because I don't quite know what else to call it. And honestly, it won't leave me alone. Of everything I'm working on right now, this is where so much of my heart, energy, and creativity want to go. Some might call that grief, and sure, maybe this is one of the ways I'm channeling my grief. But it feels like so much more than that to me. It feels like a calling. My dharma. I have so much motivation, joy, and LOVE around this project and all the different directions it keeps taking me. Because let me tell you, it has a LOT of tentacles. Lol.
There's a charitable side that's already beginning to take shape, supporting communities that meant so much to Mike. And then there's this whole other creative side that's emerging, inspired by his life, the things he loved, and the people he connected with. I keep waking up with new ideas, and the whole thing seems to be unfolding in ways I never could have planned. And what's especially wild is how natural it all feels to me. How much I genuinely love working on it.
ANNNNNNNNND…here comes my dilemma.
I'm judging the FUCK out of myself for it. Seriously. The voice in my head starts up with, Lisa, just let it go already. He's your ex-husband's brother. Why are you doing this? Move on with your life.
But then another idea wakes me up in the middle of the night. Another little nudge. Another possibility that makes me excited to get out of bed and start creating. And then, inevitably, another round of judgment. Who do you think you are, Lisa?
And honestly, I get it. I can understand why someone looking at this from the outside might raise an eyebrow. I mean, here I am, after spending years untangling myself from my marriage and everything that came with it, now pouring my heart, soul, time, and creativity into honoring someone from that very same family. I can see how that might sound a little nuts. 😂 Believe me, the irony is not lost on me.
But here's the thing. When I get underneath all that judgment, the actual work itself doesn't feel confusing to me. It feels meaningful. It feels joyful. It feels like something I want to keep following, even though I don't know exactly where it's going to lead. Especially after traveling to Indonesia with my 17-year-old son, watching him experience the waves Mike loved so much, while I experienced the people, the culture, and the land that had become such a huge part of Mike's life. Something about that experience made this all feel even more undeniable.
And here's another wild piece of this whole thing.
When I was around 30, I was searching for exactly this kind of work. I wanted to travel, connect cultures, help communities, and be of service in a way that felt meaningful to me. I actually went to work for a nonprofit that did just that, bridging families in the US who had the resources and desire to give back with communities abroad who could benefit from that support. I LOVED this kind of work. The connection, the cultural exchange, the relationships, the opportunity to bring people together from completely different parts of the world. And now, more than twenty years later, here I am, somehow finding my way back to the very thing I was searching for all those years ago. Only this time, through Mike, through Indonesia, through grief, through a family connection I never could have imagined would lead me here. I mean, seriously. What are the chances?
And maybe that's another whole story in itself. Because I'm beginning to realize that perhaps this experience hasn't just been about honoring Mike's life. Maybe, in some extraordinary way, it's also been bringing me back to my own.
And yet, there's still that voice. The one asking why I would willingly create something that connects me back to a family I worked so hard to disentangle myself from. And maybe some of that is old conditioning, the echoes of voices that made me question myself for years. But I also know some of it is my own genuine questioning about how to honor someone I loved, how to navigate something this meaningful, and how to do it in a way that feels right to me. I don't want to dismiss those questions. I actually think they're worth asking. I just don't want the old voices answering them for me.
How is it that the karma with my ex-husband is actually part of my DHARMA?
How is it that someone who caused me so much pain in life is also connected to something that is bringing me so much love and purpose? Not romantic love, of course. Heck no. But compassion, forgiveness, and a kind of love that I honestly don't even know how to explain sometimes. OMG. Do you see my dilemma? You can probably see in my frantic writing how I'm trying to make sense of all of this. Lol.
How can one brother have been one experience in my life, and the other brother a completely different experience? What are the chances of this? And to think that three years ago, just as I had completed an almost two-year study (because I took my time) to become a death doula and midwife, Mike received his terminal diagnosis. At almost the exact same time.
I tried to bargain with God BIG TIME on this one. My coach at the time can vouch for it. No, no, no. Please, not this lesson, God. Please, no. I didn't want that "job." I didn't want Mike to die. But it became my initiation, whether I understood it or not. I got to walk that journey with him, as messy and complicated and heartbreaking as it was. And while I would never have chosen those circumstances, I knew I had something to offer him during that time. I could see that then, and I can still see it now. I may never understand all of the why, but so much richness came from that experience for all of us, with Mike at the forefront. And in so many ways, that experience continues to bless our family.
And maybe that's what I'm really wrestling with here.
Not whether I want to do this, because clearly I do. Not whether it brings me joy, because it absolutely does. But whether I can allow myself to follow something that feels this meaningful without questioning my right to be the one doing it. Without worrying about how it looks, what people might think, or whether I'm somehow crossing an invisible line that only exists in my own head.
Maybe I don't have to understand every single piece of how I got here. Maybe I can honor the complicated history, the grief, the love, the strange twists and turns of this life, and still trust what is unfolding. I can be thoughtful and responsible about how I move forward without making myself wrong for wanting to move forward at all.
Because what I do know is that I feel deeply called to honor Mike's life and the dreams he didn't get to fully realize while he was here. To give back to the people and communities that meant so much to him, to continue building connections between the worlds he loved, and to see where all of this might lead. It feels like some of the deepest, most honorable work I've ever been invited into. And as much as my mind sometimes wants to make sense of it all, my heart doesn't seem to need quite so many explanations.
I am loving awareness. Mike is loving awareness. Still, without his form. And somehow, through all of this, I feel that love continuing to create, to connect, and to give back. Our connected dharma. And don't even get me started on how I can also see that this is becoming part of my own legacy, and my children's legacy, too (Mike's niece and nephew). I'll save that for another article, because honestly, it just keeps getting better.
And perhaps that's where I'll leave this today. Still with some questions, still with a little disbelief about how life unfolds, but also with an enormous amount of love and gratitude for what is taking shape. I don't know exactly where it's all going. But I do know how it feels when I'm in it. And I'm learning, more and more, to trust that.
P.S. Well, wouldn't you know it. As I was finishing writing this, it started raining in LA. And not just a sprinkle, either. Actual rain. 😂🌧️
If this resonated, I recorded a video this week talking more about what it took to get to a place where I can actually trust and follow what feels this meaningful. You're always welcome to watch it here.
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