How Not to Strangle Your Teen (Kidding… Kind Of)
Teens are tough
Man, it must be tough to be a teen these days. I feel so old saying that, but I really feel for my teen when I look in his eyes. He’s doing pretty great (don’t get me wrong) but even the ones doing well still have so much in their heads. Even the ones without “so much in their heads” (mine!) still just have a lot coming at them all the time.
From the start of their day (with parents, then teachers, then coaches) and all the way to the end of the day with parents again, adults are constantly demanding things of them. Directions and expectations shot at them nonstop. I’m pretty sure that’s how it feels to them. Who wouldn’t want to hole up in their room?
And also: man, is it tough parenting teens. I play a game with myself (inside my head) on the regular, called “Try Not to Let Your Teen Disrupt Your Inner Peace.” That’s the long, compassionate title. Some days it’s called “Don’t Let Your Teen Piss You Off,” and other days it’s “Try Not to Strangle Your Teen” (kidding, of course!!).
I often have to get playful with myself in my teen parenting - it feels like the only way to survive sometimes. It takes so much patience, perseverance, and compassion most days to not let the teen get the better of me. And in truth, most things (thank God, so far) are not that big of a deal. But man, it’s hard. On both sides.
I really don’t like being treated like crap by my teens.
This is when my patience is truly tested. Some days I feel like I take all the crap. And most days, I do. It always feels like such a balancing act to find the right line: when is it just normal hormone-fueled turbulence that will pass in five minutes, and when is it real disrespect that warrants a boundary?
It takes discernment and presence to get that clarity. Both of those moments (whether hormones or boundaries) usually pass quickly if I can hold on to my own reaction. I’m so interested in raising good humans that I take it all to heart… maybe even too much. I think most conscious parents do. We can be kinder to ourselves, too.
Parenting is the ultimate classroom, isn’t it? And parenting teens is like the master’s program. I learn so much about myself through my kids and all that they stir in me - when I’m not on autopilot, that is. I learn so much about my edges.
When I’m triggered by my children, it’s usually because of something inside of me - something from my childhood that’s still up for healing, or somewhere I’ve abandoned myself. I know some of you might be saying, “Oh, it’s not that deep, Lisa! My kid is just being a jerk today!” And I get that! But if you notice any recurring themes in your stuff with your kids, I invite you to take a closer look at what it’s bringing up inside of you.
No caregiver is perfect.
We’re all just doing our best. Our caregivers did their best. The generations before them did their best. I really believe that. All we can do is keep trying, keep learning, and keep improving each generation.
And in full transparency (while writing this on this beautiful L.A. morning) I’ve nagged my teen at least once. Unintentionally. It was me reacting… because seriously, why can’t he just get out the door to school on time!?!?
Update: After writing this and taking a walk (exercise, bilateral movement, meditation… all somatic practices!), I figured out the answer to my own question: “how not to strangle your teen.” This answer is true for me. Each of us gets to tune into what’s true for ourselves.
Go on a walk, Lisa. Get out of the house before him. Let him get out the door on his own. Let him fail. Let him figure it out. Your nagging only makes it worse, for both of you.
If this blog hit home and you're craving a real-time tool for those “breathe, Lisa, breathe” parenting moments, I’ve got you.
Head over to my YouTube video: “Instant Stress Relief: Bilateral Tapping for Nervous System Regulation”
and try this quick nervous system reset for yourself.
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