If you're leaning on every coping tool you've got right now — therapy, rest, movement, whatever you can find — I want you to know that's not a sign you're failing at regulation. It's a sign you're paying attention. There's a myth that healing means eventually needing less support. Sometimes it just means getting better at reaching for it. Whatever season you're in, you don't need to earn the right to use every tool available to you. You're allowed to use all of it.

 This seemingly innocent experience from years ago is still holding my 50 year old self hostage. Rearing its head and reminding me that I am not capable. Maybe somehow this protects me from something and perhaps this coping strategy served me for some time, because most strategies do serve us somehow, even when not in the best ways, but I was ready to absolve this. I was ready to let my teen self off the hook. She didn't need to hold this and protect me anymore. My adult self has got her, and this. My adult self has the capacity to hold this for her, she doesn't need to.

I had been in talk therapy with the most amazing therapist for many years. Over time, we had worked through so much — childhood wounds, money issues, career shifts. She was the perfect therapist for me for so long, and I grew tremendously working with her.

Until this one thing. My marriage.