I recently had an experience that showed me just how much healing I've actually done.
And I mean REALLY showed me. Not in the way where I can look back and recognize my growth intellectually, but in the way where I was actually living it. Where I found myself back in an environment that had once been incredibly painful for me, surrounded by people and dynamics I had intentionally stepped away from years ago, and realized I was no longer the same person I had been back then.
Earlier this year, my brother-in-law Mike was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. He was my ex-husband's brother, my kids' uncle, and my friend. I had recently completed my death doula and death midwifery training, and from the moment he was diagnosed, I knew I wanted to be there for him and our family as we navigated his dying journey. I loved Mike, and I couldn't imagine doing anything else.
But here's the thing. Being there for Mike meant stepping back into a family system I had worked very hard to leave. My marriage and divorce had been incredibly difficult, and I had spent years healing from that chapter of my life. I had intentionally distanced myself from many of the people and relationships connected to it. And now, here I was, walking right back in.
I can imagine how strange that must have looked to people who knew what I had been through. And I understand why some of the people who loved me were worried. But I knew something they couldn't necessarily see. I wasn't going back in as the same woman who had left.
And this is where all that inner work became very real for me.
The years of somatic work, Brainspotting, breathwork, therapy, meditation, and learning how to listen to myself and my own nervous system. All the work I had done to come out of survival mode, to recognize my patterns, to stop abandoning myself, to become more and more connected to who I actually am. I knew I had changed. I could feel it. But actually stepping back into that environment and living it was the ultimate proof.
Because I didn't lose myself this time. I was able to be there for Mike, my kids, and our family with my whole heart, without abandoning myself in the process. I could feel compassion for people I had once been deeply hurt by without needing them to be different. I could offer love and support without taking responsibility for everyone else's feelings or experiences. I could stay lovingly detached while still being fully present. And that was HUGE for me.
I think sometimes we imagine healing means we'll never have to encounter the people or circumstances that hurt us again.
And sometimes distance is absolutely necessary. It certainly was for me. But what I experienced through Mike's dying journey was something I don't think I could have fully understood until I lived it. I could walk back into something familiar and painful without becoming the version of myself who had once lived there.
And I want to share this because I think there's value in seeing what this work actually looks like in someone's life. Healing isn't always some big dramatic breakthrough. Sometimes it's realizing that you're responding differently. That your body isn't bracing in quite the same way. That you can hear your own knowing even when other people don't understand your choices. That you can be loving and compassionate without losing your boundaries or yourself.
None of this changes the fact that Mike died far too soon. I would give anything for him to still be here. But there was something so fitting about the fact that even in his dying, he was giving so much to the people around him. Mike was such a generous, selfless soul, and through the experience of being there for him, I received an incredible gift of healing myself. More forgiveness, more compassion, more love, and the opportunity to see just how far I had come.
I went back in as the new me. And I could go back in without going backward.
If you're needing a little extra support right now, you're always welcome to explore my YouTube channel, where I share gentle, trauma-informed practices for regulating the nervous system and navigating life's harder seasons.
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